What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
