I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
