I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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