Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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