Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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