On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
