Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Drunk is not a location!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
