I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
