I've blown a few things in my day
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
