just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
