A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
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He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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