would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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