I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
