I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
