so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
