I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
