I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
