What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
