i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
