I hope mine doesn't look like that
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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