Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Congratulations! We have a period
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
