I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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