I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
