Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
