White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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