Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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