I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
