I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
