She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
