I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
