dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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