He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
