i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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