Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My bed smells like the plague
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
