so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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