He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
