She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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