I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
