Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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