His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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