What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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