I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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