there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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