Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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