I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
