i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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