shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
