we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
