Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
