Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
