So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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