The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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