And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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