Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
