This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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