Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
