Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
